It's just sad...

Of course I thought we would have a 'normal' morning: I'd get ready to go to work, get Izabelle ready for school, bring her to her aunts for before care and get to work on time... 

Umm...Nope.

Yea, RIGHT!!! 

This time I got Izabelle dressed for school and just as I was going to instruct her to put her backpack on... 

BAM!!! Grand Mal seizure! 

I've had so much pressure recently at work regarding my attendance... I've used all my sick time and from now on, time off is unpaid. 

Dale and I worked out a system. He will work part-time until the summer so he can be present most days of the work week so I can be present even if there is seizure activity. Now I know I will always make it through Monday, Thursday and Friday at work. Tuesdays and Wednesdays we are both working.

Because of all this pressure to be at work on time and keep good attendance...I had to leave Izabelle's side during her postictal period this time.

I literally left her laying passed out cold on the floor on top of my school bags: 

I felt awful. Like a traitor. 

All I did was get my coat on, grab meds and finish packing my school bag...but it felt unnatural and wrong not to be able to wait for my child to come back to me from the unknown. 

I like to hold her and cradle her like a tiny babe when she's recovering from a seizure. 

I hold her... hold her until she can mutter just one word to let me know:

she's back. 

But today... I didn't have that luxury.

I woke my daughter as much as possible, out of her deep 'sleep' and somehow... Was able to get my kid downstairs and out the door. 

She could barely stand. 

I saw my neighbor as I used a safety grip under Izabelle's arms to guide her to the car... 

It was just all wrong! 

Every bit of this feels like I'm going against my maternal instincts.

I cried on and off throughout the day...

I've realized that I'm afraid...

That each seizure takes a little bit of my daughter away...

And I may never get who 

she 

once

was 

back.