The Vicious Cycle returns

Crash!

Bang.

Pop!

My heart smacks down to the ground. 

My head is spinning. 

My hope diminished (for the moment).

So many ups the past few weeks... The come down is even more vivid and intense now. 

My once coherent angelic child has left, and her counterpart, 'Dizzy Izzy' is showing herself again. 

Seizures steal. Time, Vitality, Balance, Energy, Experiences and Love. 

Spinning like a top, she is 'rolling' off of diasapam. Like an addict in withdrawal, she becomes insane like a wild animal.

She can't hear me... Her brain is unwired... 

Body. Constantly moving. Falling, tripping, breaking, acrobatics on crack, rocking, hopping, climbing, throwing.

Voice. Incessantly talking... Babbling so I cannot make out the words. Perceverating. Broken record. Forgetful. 

Heart. Seeking love and attention in all the wrong ways. 

Must be so scared and lonely.

Can't embrace her... She's like a injured moth trying to get away... I don't want to get head butted in the lip again... Or kicked, poked, licked...

Soul. I put her to bed telling her to put her hands on her heart to give herself the 'healing energy'. I advise her to tell herself: 'I do not feel good in my body. I love and accept myself.' Repeat.

She's a magical child. Energy work will be good for us. Time to reconnect and find our balance just in time for another cycle. 

The cycle IS vicious. 

In love

I'm in love with the sweetness that is my daughter, the innate strength she holds, the caring selfless nature she possesses, the tender love she sheds on all who she lets in close. 

Izabelle underwent the Vagus Nerve implant surgery on Tuesday. Honestly and sadly, the outpatient procedure was nothing compared to our weeks spent at Boston Children's hospital hooked up to leads, sleep deprived and off medication. 

She is the best patient! They all loved her!

I cried for a moment when I saw these for the first time but honestly, technology is fast forwarding the healing process and by summer these will be faint white lines just like the one from my C section.

Izabelle did amazing. She woke up easily after the procedure and got to go home by 1pm the same day.

The hardest part so far was our third day home. The morning started with seizures. Later, she became very sick to her stomach. Her body must have been rejecting the anesthetics or was expelling built up fluid in her esophagus from the breathing tube used during surgery... I'm not really clear on why the delay in these symptoms. It just wasn't fun. 

Last night, I laid on the floor staring at this beautiful face. She's a trooper. I'm in love with my daughter.