They are to blame.

The pharmaceutical companies have ruined my child. They have her system hooked. The answer to side effects and withdrawal is more pill pushing. We are forced to continue med-ing her more and more. I think back to the early days of her seizure disorder and how easy her seizures were to manage. These pharmas have harmed her more then she ever would have been without them. 

Dogmatic proclamations of a cure can kiss my round ass. 

My brain always goes back to: "You can quit your job, then you can take her off of all the pharmas and nurse her back to health." 

I dream of a safe detox center where we can go to be done buying into this facade. 

I never feel like I can do enough. 

I want her back.

Part of me is broken. 

I numb myself to get through each day. 

I detach to stay sane. 

I hate the fucking neurologists we have been forced to see by default. Only trying to do their jobs but their methods make matters worse. 

Drones put to work by hierarchies to synthetically remedy seemingly abnormal biological manifestations. 

I question that the blame belongs to the same group of medical professionals for causing this retched disorder in the first place! Using the guise of healing to beef up the pharmaceutical industry. You prescribe on a whim but you aren't there for the aftermath.

Your pitocin that so unnaturally set her birth into action...

Your delay to come to her aide when she was in distress in my fluidless and  constricting womb. 

Your medicating the pain I faced after you cut me wide open to get her 'out'. 

Your convincing tone when you told me it was time to vaccinate. 

Your recommended schedule....

I want her back. 

As a society, we have been taught to blindly trust these doctors. What they say goes. 

All those years in medical school and yet they have no clue know what's right for my child. 

She's delayed. 

She's changed. 

Slowly becoming more damaged. 

She's always getting worse. 

That's the only constant I've found. 

And a note to the believers: 

Yes!!! I've prayed for her health and healing!!! 

She's on every prayer list. She's loved. 

Yet, this experience slowly makes one loose faith. 

I pray for her comfort now... 

The healing part... more sure that it can't be done based on multitudes of real life accounts of the exact opposite. 

When will she actually be able to be a kid? She's walks around in fear of the next seizure event. She lacks language skills to seek help, instead she's acting out big time and can't comprehend how to stop acting that way. 

I want her back. 

Oh yes. 

Positive thinking. 

I've been trying so hard to be positive. 

You see my smile right? Well it's real. I AM happy about so many elements of my life. 

This part... this is tragic really. 

One year ago she seemed better. 

I look at old pictures and see a healthier, more bright child. 

Her skinny body :(. 

I see ribs. 

The huge bulge on her frail chest! 

There are no excuses for this.

I want her back.