Medication Increase Insanity - December 28th

...No matter how much we may love being mothers to pieces there are times when…you fall to pieces… 

After numerous calls to both Boston Neurology and Maine Medical Neurology last week, Dr. Morrison decided to up Izabelle's current dose of Zonisamide from 150mg to 200mg meanwhile keeping Treleptal the same. With a med increase or decrease there comes increased side effects and decreased parental stamina. Izabelle started her new dosing on Saturday, December 28th. She had returned to me after four days with her father for Christmas. No matter what, it takes about 24 hours for us to re-acclimate to being together after that much time apart but with the added physical stress on Izabelle's body we both had a hard time with re-entry. Non-stop talking, clinginess, meltdowns, re-direction… 
you name it.
Having a child with epilepsy makes discipline tricky…not to mention sharing custody and being a single mother. I hadn't realized until … the poop (almost literally) hit the fan yesterday that I have been coddling Izabelle since our admission to Boston Children's Hospital. I feel guilty for a number of reasons when holding her accountable for her behavior. Things like… its not her fault… she's been through so much… it might be the medications… it might be the seizures… it's because she has to live in two different homes… on and on... go through my mind.
Yesterday, after a wonderful lunch out in town to celebrate New Year's Day together… we decided to stop into the local Co-op. Izabelle had to use the bathroom. I thought nothing of it…until what felt like 20 minutes had past waiting for her in the bathroom. She started to scream bloody murder and say things like it hurts… it won't come out!… She wouldn't let me touch her…and began to shiver… here I am alone in a grocery store…where I'm sure everyone could hear my daughter's screams. I called my mother who told me that I would have to get her home somehow even if she was kicking and screaming. It was then, I realized that the medication increase had constipated Izabelle even worse then before…
So… I got her dressed… walked her out of the store… she was weak and couldn't walk very well. The store clerk asked if she was ok… I was honest and said that she is constipated. I was mortified. I raced home as quick as I could… (stupid snow) and got her back on the toilet and called the Doctor. He suggested a bath to calm her body… and a suppository if I could make it back out to the store (I'm never showing my face in the Co-op again!). I made her drink water, gave her mineral oil (the only thing I had on hand) and Ibprophen. My friend called and advised me to start Izabelle on Macrobiotics and Magnesium supplements to deal with the digestive issues naturally instead of weakening her system with Miralax as the doctor suggested. After things calmed down we ventured out again… It was ridiculous. I bought apple juice, prunes, fruit, milk of magnesia, probiotics and magnesium vitamins…
As soon as we got home I went straight to work because… if she liked it or not…this little girl was going to poop! Down went the milk of magnesia and not so gracefully I mortifyingly administered the suppository. It was hell! Seriously, I did NOT sign up for this part of parenting…
After about 30 minutes the deed was done… and I had lost every ounce of parental energy. I decided it was a good time for Izabelle to watch a movie so her tired mother could collect her thoughts.